February 20, 2005 - 12:29 p.m.

Im a dipshit.

Luke: *looking up from his newpaper* Huh?

I just am. Im that chick I hate. The type that doesnt know how to just drop something and let it be. I have a morbid curiosity. Im the ass that just HAS to see that trainwreck as I drive by. I hate leaving stones unturned. I am a dramaqueen.

Snake: Really? Does this have anything to do with college?

No, it has to do with men.

Audience Member #5: Here we go! *rolls eyes*

Im online last night (when am I not online?) and chatting away to my friends. Then bam. I get an IM from a guy we'll just call Larry (I dont know why I have to use a fake name because no one reads this.)

Larry and I knew each other in highschool. We flirted all the time, being silly 15 year olds. Then he did a stupid thing and sent this dumb email, asking me to go out with him. That wouldnt be so bad except 1) Am I that scary that you cant ask me in person? and 2)The content of the email was "are u gay? will u go out with me?". Seeing as I am entirely heterosexual, I passed it off as a joke until he said he was dead serious. I promptly told him I wasnt ready for a relationship at that time and we never persued anything after that. We did remain friends however, and highschool held some good times for the both of us.

Audience member #38: Oh the tragedy! Your man stories are so lame.

If you'd listen I could tell it! *throws a shoe into the crowd* Anyways, college came and went and I was forced to dropout due my inability to lift patients properly. I wasnt big enough or built enough to do it, so I let it slide. I met up with Larry (he was going to school out west at the time) during a christmas break after my unfortunate change of ambition and he promptly dissed my friends for being young mothers (and one being unmarried and a young mother) and labelled me as a college dropout. Suddenly he was holier than thou or that's how I felt! And it upset me to the point where speaking to him was enough to put me in a shitty mood for the rest of the day. At one point he dissed my living at home, AND my car in the span of two sentences. I dropped him. I dont need downers in my life.

Last night he went on and on about the old days (as in highschool) and how he always had a crush on me but due to rejection he chose not to pursue it further. I didnt react, really. I asked around and aparently this was no secret except to me. I am incredibly naive. He wanted to see me, and I told him he was an asshole the last few times I spoke with him and how it hurt to be called a dropout and to be reminded of the biggest upset of my young life. (I have now recovered from this and jokingly call myself a dropout...though if you see me on the street, please do not label me as such.)

He apologized profusely, saying he never ever meant to upset me and to please give him another chance and to at least see him. Larry swore he was different. He said he had done some 'soul searching' or something and was sick of the trash talking and realized he was being a jerk.

This is where the trainwreck comes in. I should have just said "Whatever, dickwad" and ignored him but now I want to see if he is who he says he is. See what I mean about no stone left unturned? Morbid curiosity? Yeah it'll kill me in the end, Im sure (not literally, but metaphorically of course). But now I have to know.

So now Im going to coffee with Larry at 3pm today. He wore me down and I eventually agreed to see him. I basically said "I need to take my car out anyways. So if you're at the coffee shop at 3, fine. If not, it was no big deal."

Larry was one of the major events of drama in my high school career. Boys never paid attention to the thin kid with the drab hair and glasses but he was one of the posse and rumors always circulated through the group about us two (just as they should in highschool...). But I do remember happy things...before they changed. I remember me and my friends at a youth group thing and we decided to take a walk down the road at 2am just to get some fresh air (it was an all night ordeal). I remember him grabbing my hand and pulling me back from the road saying something about drunk drivers this time of night and he'd hate to see me get hurt. That touched me somehow.

I remember celebrating at my friend's apartment after exams and Jo, me, her friend, and Larry would bake cookies and watch Jerry Springer, but I was the one who had to lay across all of them because the couch couldnt sit 4. I remember the horseplay and he picked me up and swung me around..

I know you cant turn back time, and I know you cant live in the past. I am a different person now from that ugly duckling in highschool. Im a woman now and I've realized myself. It's about time he figured himself out too.

In any case, I am a dipshit for even agreeing to this, but it's the scientist in me I think.

Vanessa Carlton wrote a song that always reminds me of days like that. "White Houses". Im sure you've all heard it. Some songs just tug a heart string.. I heard one of Jan Arden's yesterday and I dont even like her and this one song was fantastic. It was about going where noone knew her. I thought it was beautiful poetry.

I'd better cut off this nattering and do something productive.

"Maybe you were all faster than me
Give each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been" - Vanessa Carlton. White Houses.

I just read the lyrics to the song and it's about losing your virginity! I thought it was about friends and leaving shit behind. Oops.

- Lara

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